The Maura Tierney Line: The Parliament Proceedings of April 20th, 2009

Parliament voting records were not kept for this session. Records will be kept from here on out.

Passed:
Kate Hudson
Anne Hathaway
Jennifer Love Hewitt
Sarah Michelle Gellar
Portia De Rossi
Jennifer Aniston

Failed:
Maggie Gyllenhaal
Helen Mirren
Lindsay Lohan
Courtney Cox
Jennifer Garner
Cameron Diaz


If anyone has a celebrity to be put on the next docket while the Shoutbox is dead, this wouldn't be a bad spot.

It's been rough

I think it's pretty well known among my readers that I've been dealing with some pretty serious stuff lately. What with my brother getting busted and my wife canceling our newspaper subscription in the wake of such financial uncertainty. And this has been the place that I've been able to just let it all go. To let my hair down, so to speak. To deal with all my demons. I just want to say how much I appreciate all of the support that you guys have given me. You readers are the best in the business. And in these uncertain times, you all know how important stability, loyalty, and certainty and support can be. Or, at least, I HOPE you know. You're all my pebbles and I'm your rock and my brother's in a hard place. This is how it is right now and we're going to get through it. ALL of it. It's togetherness. it's sticking together through the hard times and the even harder times. Through the sweaty smelly hot days of summer to the cat boodle stench of winter. I feel like better times are ahead. I feel better than I have for months. The rash cleared up. My eyebrows are getting fuller and David Hyde Pierce has started eating mints. Things are definitely starting to come up Morgan, folks, and I couldn't ask for better people to share it with.

I LOVE my GRammy!

I hope you were one of the hundreds of people(plus ME) that watched the Grammy last night because if you didn't then you missed one really wonderful show. I can honestly say that music is the love of my life. If I didn't have the gift of the ear for song, then I don't know what I'd do. I'd probably listen to a lot less music though! (haha) And that would make me sad because I listen to music all of the time and it's pleasing to me so much. It's amazing how much different the singers look in real life than how you picture them in your head when you're watching them in your head from the radio. Like Jennifer Hudson. I never knew she was black. I was very surprised but my shock turned to pleasantness when the shock subsided. I think her ethnicity makes her voice even more special. And she looks even better black! My wife didn't think so. My wife started talking about how fat she looked or something. I didn't really hear everything she was saying because the rage filled my head up so fast that I got dizzy and couldn't hardly see. All I could hear was the blood rushing through my head. I can honestly say that it's the first time I ever spit in my wife's face. She was plum surprised TOO! (haha) Anyways, we worked it out. She thinks Jennifer Hudson is beautiful now and I feel the same way about my wife. All in all it was an evening with Grammy that I will never forget until next year when it will probably be even BETTER.

She's not fat!!! You're stupid FACE is.

Jessica Simpson is far from fat. I don't know why they keep saying she is. If she was a fattie, then she wouldn't still be dating Tony Romo. Tony Romo is not the type of guy that would date a fat girl. he commands the BEST. He's into the finer things and he's probably really shallow. Look at THOSE dimples! You know who IS fat? Me. I'm a big hefty guy and you can just ask my brother if you don't believe me. He's bigger than me, even. Tony Romo wouldn't date me OR my brother because we don't BRING IT on a regular basis. The other day my brother told me that he thought Jessica Simpson was the type of girl that wuold bake you a whole mess of cookies and then not even eat ONE. And people say she's FAT? Craziness.
My brother also told me that the GRIZZ fired Mark Ivaroni. I say good riddance to bad coaches but I do hate to see anyone lose their job. Sometimes I think the only way we're going to get through any of this America mess is to have MORE jobs and MORE money. That's why we vote, though. I voted historically, so they say, and I'm not going to apologize for it to anyone. I even watched the GRIZZ on the TV during the King Junior celebrations and the Grizz were NOT fun to watch. Don't get me wrong. I love it when they throw the ball to Rudy and then stand around to watch him. I'd watch him, too. (And I WILL! In the slam dunk contest) And I especially like watching Rudy take all those jumpers with somebody guarding him real close. It makes the MAKES so much more exciting! What I didn't like to see though was not enough sweating, diving, and high-fiving. High fives are super and I hope the new coach encourages those young Grizzlies with MANY high fives! That's why I support Ivaroni coaching somewhere else and more jobs for the America.
GO GRIZZ! Here's hoping I get my newspaper subscription back SOON.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!

My wife canceled my newspaper subscription. Anyone know how the GRIZZ are doing?

I've had time to process the loss

and I've come to the conclusion. Grizz wins are super better than Grizz losses and it's not even really close if we were able to keep score. By far, winning would out pace losing in scoring alone. However, winning would easily out rebound and out hustle losing. There is a reason that losing loses and it's not for lack of effort although that is a big part of it. If I had to say for sure why winning beats losing every day of the week then I would simply point to the scoreboard and say that there was the proof. Scoreboard. Winning wins by a lot. Why did the Grizz lose, though? I didn't see the game but I know that it was not because they didn't give it their all out there. Certainly they did or else they wouldn't be my Grizz. They would be another team. Another team that consistently did not do the things they needed to do to win games. And the Grizz just won something like all their games that weren't losses so I know they know how to win. The proof is in the numbers. So, the short answer is that I don't for sure know why they lost since I saw none of the game and didn't find out definitely they lost until yesterday morning, a full day or so after they lost. My hope however is that they don't lose anymore because, as I said earlier, winning beats losing every loving day of the week.

I BELIEVE!!!!

4!!!!!!!!!! I think back to when I doubted you, Grizz, and it literally breaks my heart. You are my air. Everything I want to be, you are becoming. Greatness in shorts! I nurtured you from the beginnning and it's all coming to fruition. I want to spank your little red backside but you're all grown up now. I want to hold you in my arms like a mama bear but you're too heavy for me to pick up. I want to pepper your belly with baby kisses but you'd say it was weird and maybe call the cops. Once you were wet behind the ears, but you're big bad Grizzly BEARS and your ears are dry like my wife's roast beef! the limits of your potential are matched only by the farthest stars in the sky. On this day, you mark my words with bold print and exclamation points. These GRIZZ do not hibernate in the winter! They don't need sleep. They need no alarm clock even if they DID sleep. They wake up to the sounds of string music in their dreams. Go, Mighty GRIZZ. Go make your daddy proud.



P.s.---I already am. I love you all.

WINNING STREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!

3 in a ROW! It's craziness. My brother and me can't hardly believe it. Only 3 in a row? It should MUCH more. But the GRizz did it the right way. They did it with defense and scoring and hustle. Plus a good bit of old fashioned know-how mixed in with a little bit of elbow grease and perhaps a sprinkling of lady luck's lipstick. Or maybe it was eyeliner. Either way, they didn't need much. They certainly didn't need to go steady with lady luck. The team is much too strong to rely on nothing but luck. No, they really didn't need any luck with their mix of young talent and veteran savvy from players long since forgotten. But I remember how important Shane Battier and Eddie Jones were. They were the type of mentors that could lead a team to victory. Where's the veteran leadership going to come from on this team, though. Marc Gasol certainly looks tall but he's actually not that old. Hakim Warrick has a name from the old country, but he's actually not even 30. I remember how he played in college on that Orange Man team. I was crazy about Kansas that year! For my money, there's absolutely no better coach than Roy Williams, except for maybe Hubie Brooks. Now he had some veteran savvy. He's better on TV though than a lot of guys his age and younger. It's really all about the effort and these Grizz all get straight A's in that category. WEll done, guys. You deserve a break for your hard work, but your work's not finished yet by a long shot. Go beat TEAMS!

Happy Weekend to US!

Did you guys see the news? The GRIZZ are BACK!!! They won big time last night against a TOUGH Clipper team. I don't know what that coach of theirs(I can't remember his name, but it's something foreign...GO IMMIGRANTS) did to get them back on track, but it obviously paid off in a big, big way. I bet that it was all part of the plan. The losing, I mean. The GRIzz were just lulling the league into a trap. A GRIZZLY bear trap! Don't sleep on this team, though, or you'll learn a lesson. You'll learn a lesson that you had best remember forever and ever. The lesson, as always, is when you assume something and become all arrogant and cocky about it, then there is a good chance that you will be proven wrong in certain circumstances that present themselves in said situations. Besides, if I were going to sleep on the Grizzlies, then I'd roll over on Gasol. He's so big and hairy that it really would be like sleeping with a GRizzly bear. Except this Grizz bear wouldn't eat you out; he'd be more likely to put his big ole Grizzly bear arms around you to protect you from the cold, cold night. And mornings are cold, TOO! Have you ever noticed that, friends? If I had to pick the coldest part of the day, then I'd have to watch the thermometer all day to know for sure. But if I had to guess, then I'd guess the part when it was the darkest. And that's right before the sun comes up in the morning. And that's when I'd most want to be sleeping with Marc Gasol!

Go GRIZZ! GReat win last night!!!!!!! We want MORE!!!!!!!!

It's too hard right now

I couldn't enjoy Turkey Day, the most special of all the bird holidays. I can't sleep anymore. I can't eat. But I've gained 15 pounds since last time I weighed which doesn't seem that long ago but I can't even remember what it was the last time. My weight, I mean. I can't even work up the gumption to care about insurance. It's the Grizzlies, friends. They're literally choking the life out of me. How much longer can we go on like this? An undefeated season is so far out of reach now that I can hardly remember when it seemed like such a certainty. And that was only 3 weeks ago. Changes have to be made. It's just too much to take right now. Something has to give. That's why I think that some players have to be moved for different players from other teams. It hurts my heart to see any Grizz players from this team go, but at the same time, it hurts my eyes to watch them. Which I don't because I can't get any of their games on the ol' boob tube. So, you know...paradox. Which is how I feel right now. I am a paradox of love for my team.

Another recap of a loss...this time to the Spurs

This is getting depressing. I didn't even recognize any of the names on the Spurs. What happened to David Robinson? I don't know what's wrong with this team. They are just so awesome that this shouldn't be happening. Not in a million years. Other teams must really be gearing up for the Grizz this year because they recognize their greatness, too. I've seen the roster. They still have Rudy Gay. So there's only one thing that could be messing them up and I hate to say it because I don't believe in playing the Blame Game. That always gets me and my wife in an argument and she still won't kiss me on the mouth because of the cat poop/boodle incident. But the blame HAS to fall on...


the fans. That's right, friends. It's us. We are obviously not pulling hard enough for this team. They need us. They're young and frightened and good-looking and athletic and long. They just need us to support them in a way that is conducive to producing a winning team. I know that I'm willing to do anything. ANYTHING to help this team. I just get the feeling that not everyone is like that. Well, get your acts together, friends! And I'm sorry, but the Cat Boodle award goes to US, the fans. Because we're not doing our part. However, the Funnel Cake award goes to the FANS, TOO! Because we get to root for this awesome team and these AMAZINg players! GO US AND GRIZZ!

grizzly/jazz recap

I just want so much for these young Grizzlies to win that it's almost unbearable when I find out that they didn't. And on Sunday, no less. I can't help but start blaming myself. What could I have done differently during their game to help them somehow? It's hard to say because I don't even know what time they played yesterday. When are NBA games usually played? If I could somehow find that out and go back in time to change what I did, then I'd go WAY back in time. I'd warn the country about Pearl Harbor actually. But then Pearl Harbor with Josh Hartnett and that other guy probably wouldn't have ever been made in this alternate reality. But all those PEOPLE! I wish so much that I didn't have this responsiblitity. I know the right thing to do, but I really love that movie. And the Grizz. How to help both of them? I don't pretend to have the answers, friends. This is what they call a paradox.

BEST THING ABOUT BEING A GRIZZ FAN?

THE FEMININE NAPKIN RACES!

Nothing gets me more excited about getting out to The Pad then the seventh inning running of FEMININE NAPKINS! It used to all fun in games when the runners were shaped as the napkins, but in 1998 when they switched over to one uniform feminine napkin costume, the races really turned for the best. I love fair and unbiased competition from tampons, pads, and adult diapers.

I remember my father and uncle telling me stories of the feminine napkin races of the old. When they would push, squeeze, applicant, unravel, pull on the strings and any other method to soak up a win. I could only imagine how unappealing that would be.

Here is a picture of my favorite napkin racer, Overnight Maxi coming down the stretch right before being soaked in a celebratory shower of dark red wine.

GRIZZ/Mavs Recap

Oh. My. Goodness. The Mavs just have our number, Grizzlie fans. They beat us in the playoffs and didn't allow us one single win. And now they're beating us in the regular season in a purely mean spirited fashion. 91-76? That's uncalled for. They didn't have to do that. Those Grizz are out there trying their HARDEST. CALL OFF THE DOGS, Mavs! You want to embarrass someone? Embarass ME! I can take it. Or better yet, embarras YOURSELVES. Because you SHOULD be embarrassed! So, in effect you just DID embarrass yourselves. Whether you know it or not. And you do know it deep down in your cold dead beating hearts. You know the name of your shame and how it got that name and why we call you that name. By winning in a totally uncalled for way. So the joke's on you, Mavericks. Your win is your loss. For shame. My Grizz will be back. I'm not worried about that. And when they beat YOU by a lot, then they'll have some class about it and just beat you by a little. You can COUNT on that. You can count on THAT by less than 10 POINTS! Keep your heads up, Grizzly players. You all are the REAL winners. And me. Because I just might be your biggest fans.

In closing, the Funnel Cake Award goes to ALL the Grizzly players that played tonight. You're all winners and I'd be honored to share a funnel cake with each and every one of you. That'd have to be a BIG funnel cake! However, for the MAvericks I made up a new award for you guys that I will hand out from time to time. It's to remember your heartless actions in the heat of battle. But you don't get something delicious like a funnel cake. Because this is a bad award. Instead you get the worst thing that I can imagine right now. It's something that turns my stomach and literally leaves a bad taste in my mouth. You get the Cat Boodle Award. And the stench is all over you ALL.

Friday Day Lights

I just wanted to get this up quick:

"GO GRIZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1ONE1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

What's your pleasure, Superstar?

ONe of my internet friends asked me the other day after reading my blogging what the award was for player of the game. Boy, now that's just a real good question and it deserves an anwer. I flat out never even thought about what I could call it. He suggested a personal pan pizza, but you and I both know that pan pizza is a sin. And anyway, pizza should be shared with those you know and love.
No, the player of the game award should be named for something truly amazing. Soemthing that everyone knows means greatness. It should be synonomous with everything that's right in this great country. And I know just the thing. From here on out the player of the game award will be known as the Funnel Cake Award.

And if the winners of every Funnel Cake Award want to come to Branson after the season to collect, then that's just fine with me and my wife. We could all just head on over to Silver Dollar City, ride some super rides, play some neat games, and eat funnel cakes until the funnel cake stand worker cuts us off for having TOO MUCH FUN. It would probably be the most awesome day in all of our lives and we'd be best friends forever after that. We'd write each other letters and call each other when we were feelign down. And we'd ALWAYS cheer each other up. I bet that me and RUdy would eventually be the best friends out of ALL the Funnel Cake award winners. For sure. Me and my best friend Rudy. It has a nice ring to it.

Happy Days are here AGAIN!!

Boy, I can't believe I ever started to doubt my GRIZZ. It looked grim there for a while, but I never once lost faith in this team. They are too young and hungry to be kept down. Judging off of that performance against the Kings, I'd say they may not lose again. Point of fact, if I was a betting man, but I'm not. Because it's definitely wrong. I'm just going to chalk up the previous losses as cat boodles and assume there's smooth sailing on the horizon from here on out. Not only on the horizon, but right beside the BOAT! Cats hate water, though. David Hyde Pierce likes it when I blow dry him, though. Hahahah...I bet the Grizzlie team takes showers, though. I'm not trying to say they're dirty.

Player of the game against the Kings goes to the leading SCORER! GO GRIZZ! It's awesome to have you back!

GRIZZ vs BUcks Recap!

Oh man, I just saw the box score for this just now. It's a bummer of an overtime loss. I don't understand how the GRizz can lose to a team like the Bucks that aren't really very good. It's frustrating. I'll be honest because that's always been my policy ever since I was a wee little kid. I thought the Grizzlies would go undefeated this year and now I'm thinking that won't happen. They've already lost SEVEN games! They can't POSSIBLY go undefeated now by my calculations. I'm starting to wonder if they're tanking games. I haven't seen them play so far this year on TV or in person but they're by far the best in the WEst on paper. It's not even close. This is very disturbing and it's affecting me in unfortunate ways.

Anyway, the game...I didn't see it because my wife gets carsick and also won't let me get a satellite TV. I checked the box score and added up all the points and the Grizzlies really did lose. The score was not mistaken. That sucks even more.

Hang in there Grizz fans.

Friday Target Practice

So i've decided to put together a series of posts over the next many weeks, listing some players the Grizz should be targeting to acquire. Yes, they truly are the greatest team ever, but there are always openings to be found. I'll put down all sorts of helpful information about the players that i can, and hopefully this information will be as useful to us all as it is to the Grizz.

Our first player of many is a catcher by the name of Jake Taylor. Some may say to me, "Ryan, we already have the NL Rookie of the year as our catcher, and we have his fire-armed guide. Do we really need a third one?"

the answer is of course yes.

Taylor brings something to the team. namely, his grinder abilities and his sweet sweet fundamentals. Not to mention his intangibles! Taylor has spent some time on various teams over the years, including the Indians and a few teams in the Mexican League. He scored the game winning RBI for the Indians a few years back, and my scouts tell me that he hasn't lost any of the abilities in his knees. His captainship skills are probably the most important thing to note, as he helped several young Indians players grow into the team they became last year.

However, its also helpful that Taylor has a relatively carefree and relaxed attitude about many things. First and foremost is the fact that even though the Idaho White Sox are one of the major's most racist teams, Taylor was able to keep his cool no matter what the fans yelled from the stands at him and his team. He also stopped several intrateam fights and other onfield brawls, countering many Grizz players and their intensity. Sometimes, we need someone filled with calm and collectedness, not the red hot fire that is Pedro Zammano.

This is not saying that Taylor can't bring his A-game when its needed, like in the recent match between him and the Yankee closer. Taylor called his shot like that great Grizz hero of old, Ernie Banks. (Though technically, Banks was just yelling at Joe Morgan for being an idiot). Taylor's suprise bunt confused the entire Yankee team and won the game for the Indians.

Taylor also has some managing skills that could be put to use should Lou "angry Bobby Cox" Piniella get ejected again.

Position: Catcher, Backup Manager
BA-R-HR-RBI-SB = .268-68-8-70-1 (proving anyone can steal on Jason Kendall)

GRIZZ vs Knicks Recap

Hello, friends! I'm back with some GRIZZ analysis. David Hyde Pierce has stopped his anal leaking and the vet thinks we're in the clear. David Hyde Pierce is still pretty gassy, though. Cat boodles are the WORST! Oh well, at least I can concentrate on my GRIZZ! What's going to happen is that the morning after a Grizzlies game, I'll try to give you a quick recap of my thoughts on the game. I don't usually see any of their games on TV, though, so I'll probably just break down what I notice in the box score. I've been looking at box scores practically all my life and I know what's what in them. Without further ado! The KNIcks and GRIZZ game!

Crud. The grizzlies lost pretty bad. Looking at the box score, I'd have to say that Rudy Gay and Chandler were the best players on their respectable teams. They had the most points. I can't get too upset about the loss, though. The KNicks are ALWAYS good. I remember when Patrick Ewing played for them. They were good back then, too. We'll get them next time, though. GO GRIZZ!