There’s no better place to take in a ballgame than the Pad. It’s like being in a sensory deprivation tank, except the exact opposite. Unfortunately, some Grizz fans don’t live in town, or are poor, so their experiences are limited to the talking pictures box and the magic sound apparatus. Today the royal we will take a look at the fine gentlemen (and lady, take THAT, Gloria Estefan) covering our beloved Grizz on the talkie machine.Play-by-Play Team
At the ripe old age of 84, Lonnie Jasper and his great, bushy beard are still going strong. Lonnie’s deep, gravelly voice and his trademark home run call (That’s a Paddlin!) are instantly recognizable to any Grizz fan. Lonnie has made millions from his Lonnie’s Loose Meat Sammiches franchise and his line of That’s a Paddlin! Whoopin’ Paddles. Fortunately, Lonnie’s business successes haven’t changed him one bit – he’s still the humble student of the game that he was when he took the job.
Lonnie’s partner, the young and virile Brent Bonely, adds a little bit of analysis and a lot of sass to the broadcast. Brent is always ready with a humorous quip, no matter what the topic. My favorite Bonely-isms?
1. “Give it to a pervert!” (when a fan catches a foul ball)
2. “Anywhere but the nards!” (when a player fouls one off himself)
3. “Chain her to the radiator!” (Brent’s famous marriage advice)
Pre- and Post-Game
The passing of Dan Plesac was a shock to everyone in the Grizz organization. Many had a hard time accepting the circumstances of Plesac’s death - he was crushed to death when his model train set collapsed on top of him. As with most Grizz-related tragedies though, there was a silver lining. Scientists were able to salvage Plesac’s Eyebrow from the wreckage, and the brave Eyebrow took over Plesac’s old role as studio analyst. (Thanks to our esteemed colleague Chuck Dickens for digging up the photo from Plesac’s memorial service).
It’s safe to say that the Zubaz Pregame Show and the Empire Carpet Postgame Show presented by White Castle haven’t missed a beat. The Eyebrow has continued all the time-honored Plesac traditions – the singing of “C’mon Ride It (The Zeppelin)” after a Grizz victory, the insightful and ‘no-holds barred’ analysis of the team, and the playful banter with his co-host, Gail Pincushion.
Most Grizz fans are familiar with Gail’s history with the ex-Grizz Patterberg brothers, so I won’t re-hash that sordid tale here. I’ll just say that I admire Gail’s honesty. She’s been upfront and open with her viewers when she has to miss time to attend a bris or bar mitzvah for one of her 12 kids with the Patterbergs. In any case, Gail’s chemistry with The Eyebrow is obvious – when he does the old “Smack Gail in her pregnant stomach with a broom” routine after a Grizz sweep, you know they genuinely enjoy each other’s company.
The royal we will be back before too long with a look at our Grizz radio team. In the meantime, to quote Lonnie Jasper’s famous sign-off line, “Keep your beard finely manicured and don’t zip your wiener up in your jorts.”
10 comments:
I once ate dinner at a table next to Plesac's eyebrow. That guy can really down some garlic chicken wings and Rolling Rock. He plunked down five Benjamins that night on a 350-dollar tab.
True story.
Dan Plesac is a sonnvabitch.
But his eyebrow is QUALITY.
I wrote a poem this morning about the sunshine and baseball. I know this is a blog about the Grizz, but I'd still like to share it.
Little kids like the sun,
Little kids like to run,
They run so far,
So much further than I,
If I had no other job,
I'd love to teach them all,
To play baseball in the sun,
Like my father taught me and my brother.
Thanks so much for letting me share that. I hope this day finds you all very well, indeed.
I can't imagine a broadcast without the big pink zeppelin. I'm so glad that the eyebrow and the pincushion have kept that tradition up.
I appreciate your kind words. I just woke up this morning, looked outside, and felt inspired. I promise that, for the most part, I'll stick to basketball or sports-related content, but I just had to get my poetry out in the open. It literally burst forth from my nether-regions like a volcano spewing words and commas. I'm glad you all understand and are mature enough to appreciate it. If you want to and you think it'll make someone that's having a bad to feel better, you can write out my poem in an email and send it to 10 friends with instructions for them to send it to 10 friends or else they won't have summer baseball fun. YOu all have my permission to do that. As a matter of fact, I encourage you to do it. As a more matter of fact, if you do not do this, you will never find true love. I'm sorry that it had to come to that, but people need their days brightened in ways that only my poem can do.
You know, Morgan, I just recently got this email with this new technology, where they actually captured a picture of a ghost! I sent it on to everyone I knew immediately just to make sure they all knew about it.
I always kinda thought that Bryant Reeves looked like a ghost. I'm going on record right now by saying that Bryant Reeves, if not for injuries and things beyond his control, would have been one of the top 50 National Basketball League players of the all time.
I'm a newcomer to the whole blogger scene, but lemme tell you guys somethin'. BGP is by far the greatest thing Zeus ever created.
Here's my Plesac story: (true too):
So I'm out to lunch at Brixen Ivy, just yelling my brains out and enjoying a nice brownie for my meal (dessert for lunch, how queer of me), and who strolls in? Ron Say. That's right. But who was behind him? Pleasac's eyebrow. Dude sat down 8 rows in front of me, took a chicken sandwich, bratwurst, and an entire Gurkin, and shoved it all in his mouth. Then he immediately puked all over Say. I mean, no human can eat that all at once. Then he left.
I have a "very special friend" I call the Pink Zeppelin.
It makes me think of Plesac's eyebrow.
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